Sunday, June 13, 2010

Dear Alice:

My boyfriend says he wants to start seeing other people. I think it’s the beginning of the end while he thinks this will open us up to "more of life’s possibilities." What do you think?

~ Desperate in Delaware

Dear Desperate:

Tell him you’d like to start seeing his mother, since she’s included in "life’s possibilities." And follow through on it, so he knows you mean business. It may take time for his mother to relent but hang in there. She likes attention just like everyone else. Then move on to the family pet to drive home the point.

Dear Alice:

Last time I wrote you, you told me to “just say yes to drugs.” Well, I did and now I have a full-blown addiction. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost my job, my wife and can’t afford rehab.

~ Melvin, New Hope

Dear Melvin:

Sorry to hear that, Melvin. Sounds like a perfect time to switch over to hallucinogens and turn your bleak reality into a laughter-filled, wall-melting rainbowfest. I prefer old-fashioned blotter acid but if you want to go organic (since that's all the rage), mushrooms or peyote will do.

Dear Alice:

My daughter is pregnant and unsure of the father. My husband has kicked her out of the house and she’s turning tricks to pay for her rent for a rat-infested studio apartment in the ghetto. I don’t know whether I should intervene or teach her a “tough love” lesson by letting her go it alone.

~ Dismayed in Debuque

Dear Dismayed:

There are many men out there who really go for pregnant women. If she positions herself correctly (excuse the pun), she could make a killing right through her third trimester. Since your husband seems pretty hot under the collar, you may want to consider getting pregnant yourself. That usually solves a lot of relationship problems and it’s a way to show him just how much you really care.

Dear Alice:

My boss keeps sexually harassing me and I’m ready to explode! I don’t want to lose my job but I can’t handle much more. I’ve told him I’m not interested. I told him that I have a boyfriend. But nothing stops him. I’m at a loss…help!

~ Groped in Grainville

Dear Groped:

Your boss has needs. And he is your boss. It’s about time you start respecting him or you’ll find yourself in the soup line. Listen, we all have to have sex with people we don’t want to; it’s just part of life. Suck it this case, quite literally.

Dear Alice:

My mother-in-law is driving me crazy! She criticizes everything I do, down to the way I raise my children. After 7 years of marriage, I’m ready to do something serious to remedy the situation, if you get my drift.

~ Livid in Liverpool

Dear Livid:

I don’t advocate murder, if that’s what you’re insinuating. Murder is messy, expensive and sometimes, just plain exhausting. But a good maiming can get your point across and the wench silenced for quite a while. I know a friend who knows a friend in North Jersey who goes by the name of Roxette. I can’t promise anything but if you send me an email, I’ll pass the message on. Just tell her Alice sent you. She owes me one.

Dear Alice:

I met some guy online and we really hit it off! I want to meet but he seems so resistant. Could this be a sign of a real problem or is he just taking it slowly? I really think he may be the one!

~ Lovelorn in Louisiana

Dear Lovelorn:

Hello! Ever heard of an IP address? Just track him down and stalk him. Stalking has a bad rap but I think it's a way of showing you care...a lot. Guys may act resistant at first but after months, their resolve wears thin.

The best place to approach him is at his place of work. Walk in with a “Bob, I’m pregnant and I think it’s yours.” If he acts surprised or angry, this will reflect poorly on him and make him appear like a deadbeat dad.

If you really want to put the kibosh on it, get pregnant by a stranger beforehand, so you’re not lying. (Because lying is wrong.)

Remember, Lovelorn, men like when women take control!

If you have a burning issue (or a burning sensation) that you'd like to discuss with Alice, just drop her a line at She'll try to get to it but she does have "shit to do."

Image: Bummer City